Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
