The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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