life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
