I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
