remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
