So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
