In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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