final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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