You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
