Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Everclear isn't food dammit
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
