and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
