Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
