just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
