My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
