Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
