ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
