I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
