Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
