We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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