I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
