my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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