Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
