Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
