Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
