dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I faked an abortion last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
