Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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