I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I will die if light touches me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
