walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
