So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
