Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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