i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
