It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
