I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
