just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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