That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
