I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
