My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
