i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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