god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
