Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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