I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
