when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
