The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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