I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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