I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
