woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
