Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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