Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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