I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
