The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
