Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
